Today I'm feeling a little bit stressed. It's this crazy emotional roller coaster I'm on... one day, I'm excited, the next, I am literally pulling my hair out by the root. (More on this later)
I knew from the get-go that self-publishing was going to be hard. I've been researching, reading, learning, thinking and praying on it since about 2010. There's a lot of work involved, a lot of sacrifice, and a lot of money. I keep myself trucking along with the notion that in the end, it'll be worth it. I will feel proud that I not only finished the book, but I did this on my own. The obstacles didn't stop me, the haters and the naysayers didn't deter me, so I can feel accomplished, if nothing else.
There's a lot of self-doubt involved in ripping your chest open and sharing a story. No matter how many I write, I second guess myself constantly. Why? Writing is very personal. I'm spilling the contents of my mind out for the world to look at. It's a little creepy, and a whole lot scary. Add to the fact that I'm a super neurotic space-case anyway, you can imagine how nervous this whole thing makes me.
But... as the picture above, I'm under the gun, and I need to man up. This is happening. Of course, I could pull the plug, but then what? I'm a failure. Sure, this book could sink faster than a brick, but I'll never know until I try. And I've tried. Last night, I finally put things back into perspective. Now that I have most of my ducks in a row, I allowed myself to sit back and look at my journey.
I've written stories and poetry my entire life. Most of those are sitting in yellowed and aged notebooks at the bottom of boxes tucked away. It wasn't until August of 2009 that I decided to write stories again. And then I found the courage to share them. Sharing my writing isn't something I ever did. I used to share my poems with a friend, she also wrote poetry. We'd sit in our rooms in jr. high and high school, listening to our music and cranking out sad teenaged angst. I loved that we shared that, and I love that we both write to this day. But, I found this new avenue, a place where there were aspiring writers just like me were sharing their words. I ate them up. I dove in like a starving, greedy reader, and that little niggle in my head was just clawing at me to get out. I wanted to share my words with them.
And so I posted my first story in November 2009. Fanfiction. I was introduced to brilliant women with hearts the size of planets. These readers, my new friends, helped me build the confidence to continue writing stories. So I did. I wrote another one, and then another, and after four years, I wrote and shared eleven stories, and made friends that will last a lifetime.
And those friends are the ones that have never let me down. They are the ones supporting me, encouraging me, lifting me up. They won't let me fall. They won't let me fail. They won't let me hide in my cubbie hole. They're proud of me, and so... I won't insult them by not being proud of myself. Win or lose, I did this, and that's the hardest battle to fight. I did it. Good, bad, or ugly. I can say that I started something, and finished it.
One of these wonderful friends is the winner of yesterday's book giveaway. It's my honor to give her a copy of my book, mostly because I am one of HER biggest fans. Her words fill my eyes will goodness, my heart with warmth, and my mind with strength. I look up to her, and when I got a review from her for one of my stories, well, I flailed like a silly dork. Why? Because I admire her, and it just put a good feeling in my belly. That's what Jo does. She brings the good. And she did it. She's taking that step, which I am so excited about. It makes me proud to say that I remember her when. So more than congrats, I offer you a thank you, Jo Ficfreak (J.R. Richardson) for being an inspiration to me since I first read your words, to being an amazing friend that I cherish so very much. Your support of me and my journey is so special in my heart :D
So, today, tell me about your inspirations. Leave a comment here, on my facebook, or on twitter. Let's dream big together. Thank you again for sharing this amazing part of my life with me. Without all of you, my words would still be sitting as chicken scratch in my $.99 cent store notebooks.
All the love and stuff,